Relationships Should Be Happy or What's the Point?
How does chaos theory relate to romantic relationships? Imagine that his/her partner is a woman who seems "crazy", she gets angry very easily and her anger is fierce, she complains "too much". In other words, she seems to be an emotionally disoriented woman, most of the time, and living with her is like being in hell. You might be thinking, "I need to get away from this, I need freedom". Divorce is often the result and when children are involved the effects can be horrible. I know this from experience, unfortunately. After many years, I think I have come to understand the dynamics, the underlying causes much more clearly.
One of the bases of chaos theory is that a small change in the beginning can have big ramifications, an example is the "butterfly effect"; the flapping of a butterfly's wings in one part of the world could start a hurricane in another part of the world.
My theory is that a spouse's explosive behavior is often due to something not so small or could be as big as a circumstance from her past, perhaps from her unresolved childhood trauma(s). This effect is intensified if the woman is pregnant or has children, because for her, what is at stake is much more. In short, if the woman does not feel that her husband is 100% dedicated to her and her family, the result will be an avalanche of negative behavior. The man, failing to see that the perception of her devotion or lack thereof is the cause, can only conclude that his wife is simply insane. And a vicious circle is created, because the more the woman acts, the more the man has doubts about being in the relationship, and her devotion is proportionally reduced.
While, on the other hand, if a woman feels that her husband is with her all the way, she will shine her love on him 100 times. This illustrates another theory of mine, which is, to be in a happy relationship, all one has to do is keep the woman "happy, content." What most men don't seem to realize is that once you enter a relationship, you have allowed a powerful force into your immediate existence, and if you don't keep that force happy, you will live with a hurricane. While at the same time, if those forces are connected, you will enjoy all the pleasures of being loved. We have a tendency to underestimate ourselves and others.
For her to be content she must be meeting most all of her needs as they arise, her real needs. You, her love can't meet all of her needs, and she knows it. And you are not responsible for satisfying her "imagined" needs, or some whims, like many, or others, for example... a new dress, etc. These are really strategies to meet real needs. She may want a new dress because she has a need for love and affection, and she figures that if she looks prettier, you will be more willing to give her that. You can find a list of what are considered "real needs" at nonviolent communication (cnvc.org). It helps a lot to be able to distinguish between what is a "need" and what is really a strategy to satisfy a need.
Another helpful tip might be to never try to "fix" whatever is bothering her, it's better to empathize (guess, sense her feelings and needs). She will appreciate it much more.
Finally, I must warn women who are using intense anger to guide or manipulate their man, it will only create a relationship full of internal resentment, doubt, uncertainty and not love. This is the opposite of patriarchy, where men treat women violently and unfairly. It's just as bad when women act this way towards men. The "new paradigm" is a relationship with a lot of love, if we love each other as we are, without trying to change each other, but instead fine tuning the relationship, smoothing it our, a relationship of acceptance and respect where there are no ugly fights. Misunderstandings, disappointments, etc. they may arise, but they will be resolved without resorting to anger, with clear communication, one can express what they wish to see manifested. In this way they can preserve the dignity that all relationships need.
I hope these few simple ideas bring clarity and help you enjoy all the beauty and joy that a good relationship promises.